Glimpses of True Character
How do we evaluate a person's character? How do we get past image and reputation to catch a glimpse of who a person really is? Let's look at some of the little acts that can tell us more about a person.
- HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD
A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life - when this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer. Scripture plainly states that a Christian should not even consider a non-Christian for a spouse. "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers," the Bible says (2 Corinthians 6:14 , NLT). Both you and the person you marry must have a dynamic, growing, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The question is not merely "Are you and a potential spouse saved?" but rather "Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?"
"This is one of those beautiful paradoxes of biblical truth," write David Powlison and John Yenchko. "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy your spouse You will be someone worth marrying!"
Once, in a conversation about relationships, two Christian girls told me that they find focus on God one of the most attractive qualities in a guy. "It's obvious when he really love the Lord," my friend Sarah said. "When he's telling you about his love for God, you can tell that he's not distracted by you."
"Exactly!" affirmed Jayme. "It's funny because the guys that really go out of their way to impress girls don't impress me at all. They make me nauseated."
Look for, and work on becoming, a man or woman who, as a single, seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything else. Don't worry about impressing the opposite sex. Instead, strive to please and glorify God. Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities.
- HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS
The second window to a person's character is his or her relationships with others. Watch how a potential (and you) relate to the following people:
Authorities
How does a potential mate respond to [people in authority? Does this person respect the authority of a boss or pastor even if he or she disagrees with that authority figure? A guy who can't follow legitimate orders will have difficulty holding a job or receiving pastoral correction when needed. A girl who can't respect a teacher's or coach's authority will have difficulty honoring her husband. Look for, and strive to become, a person who respects God-given authority.
Parents
You've probably heard this sage advice before: "The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife." It's true. The same goes for the way a girl relates to her dad. I'm not saying that a person who has had a bad relationship with his or her dad or mom can't have a good marriage. By God's grace we can overcome old patterns. But we do need to ask, "If he can't be loving and gentle with his mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?" or "If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?"
Don't forget to evaluate your own life. How do you relate to your parents? Can you improve the way you interact with them so you'll know how to honor your future spouse? If you'd really like the answer to these questions, ask your parents to tell you their perspectives on your relationship with them.
The Opposite Sex
There's a huge difference between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. Learn to distinguish between the two. No one wants to marry a flirt. Guys, if a girl flits like a butterfly from one guy to the next, always in need of male attention, do you really think marriage will suddenly change her? Girls, do you want to marry a man with a wandering eye? And what about yourself? Where do you stand on the friendly-flirtatious scale? Do you need to change your attitudes and actions toward members of the opposite sex?
Companions
A person's companions are the people who influence and shape him or her. In this category, the way someone treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are. A. W. Tozer observed, "There is a law of moral attraction that draws every man to the society most like himself. Where we go when we are free to go where we will is a near-infallible index of character."
Who are a potential marriage partner's closest friends? How do these friends act? What do they value? If they're caught up in partying and living recklessly, the person who spends time with them will probably share those pursuits. What about your companions? Are you pursuing relationships with people who encourage you in your walk with the Lord? Or do your friends drag you down? Don't underestimate how much your close friends shape your character.
- PERSONAL DISCIPLINE
The third window to character is how a person disciplines and conducts his or her personal life. "Habit," writes Charlotte Mason, "is the greater part of nature." The things we do involuntarily, almost without thinking, reveal our character.
When we consider this category, we need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits or poor manners. Everyone has habits that another person will find silly or irritating. My dad drives my mother crazy with the way he eats corn on the cob. His method is reminiscent of an old typewriter: Munch, munch, munch, munch, kaching! Munch, munch, munch down the next row. This may not be the best table manners, but it isn't a sinful habit. Instead of concerning ourselves with issues such as these, we need to examine whether a potential spouse (or we ourselves) fosters habits that are disobedient to God or that reveal a deeper disregard for others.
The following are a few areas in which a person's habits give us a glimpse into his or her character. Watch these closely in your own life, too.
How a person uses time
I heard Elisabeth Elliot give a speech in which she said that one of the things that first attracted her to Jim Elliot was the fact that he memorized Scripture as he waited in the cafeteria line. that observation told her that Jim was disciplined and efficient.
The way a person spends his of her leisure time tells us what he or she values. Does this person fill free time with mindless hours in front of the TV? Does this person cultivate his or her mind and build relationships, or does he or she run to the next distraction? Seek to find someone (and to be the kind of person) who uses time wisely.
How he or she handles money
The way a person handles money is one, if not the surest, indicator of character. At his nineteenth birthday party, my friend Andy asked people to bring money. But he didn't want the money for himself. Instead, he gave all of it to a Christian outreach effort in the inner city. Andy's attitude toward material things proved him a man of compassion, love and generosity. It showed that he valued the eternal more than the material.
Is the person you're observing (or are you) caught up in clothing, cars, and other material things? Does this person think through purchases, or does he or she spend impulsively, prone to splurging? A person's spending habits reveal his or her level of responsibility.
How he or she takes care of his or her body
We should not fault a person because of things he or she cannot control - height, features, and in some cases, weight. Neither should we be overly concerned with the external. However, the way a person cares for his or her body tells us something about that person's character.
First, how does this person dress? A girl who dresses immodestly may catch guys' attention, but what does her clothing say about her heart? A guy who spends his money on the latest style of clothing may have the appearance of "togetherness," but his infatuation with fashion could mean he's too preoccupied with what people think of him (and that he may make poor decisions with his money).
Next, how does this person care for his or her body? Does he or she have disciplined eating habits? Does he or she have a reasonable and consistent program of staying fit? God wants us to maintain the health and condition of our bodies so that we can more effectively serve Him. This does not mean, however, that we should become obsessed with exercise. A person who is too concerned about weight lifting is just as out of balance as the person who doesn't exercise at all.
The Impact of Attitude
After character, attitude is the second essential criteria in choosing a spouse. Attitude is a person's vantage point, the way he or she looks at and reacts to life. For the Christian, this involves more than mere positive thinking. A godly attitude involves God-centered, Bible-based thinking - working to view ourselves, others, and our circumstances from God's perspective.
The following are a few key ways that godly attitudes are expressed:
- AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD
As you seek a mate, look for someone who will listen to and act without hesitation on what God is telling him or her. You want someone with an attitude like David's, saying to God, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands" (Psalm 119:60, NLT). An attitude of willing obedience recognizes the lordship of Jesus in every area of life.
Is the person you're interested in consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God? Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Is this person being conformed to today's culture, or does he or she push against it, seeking to be transformed into Christ's image?
Are you working to develop an obedient attitude in your own life? You'll never be perfect of find a perfect mate - we're all sinners - but only people with an attitude willing obedience to God's Word will continue to grow in godliness and maturity throughout their lives.
- AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY
An attitude of humility considers others' needs first. The Bible states, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). Does the person you're interested in place the needs of others before his or her own? Watch the small things. When he's on the basketball court, how does he act? Even in competition does he seek to serve others? How does she respond when conflict arises in her family? Is she quick to blame the other party or humble enough to share blame and seek resolution And how do you handle these situations?
One of the things I respect most about my dad is his willingness to humble himself before my mom and the rest of my family by confessing sin. If he has spoken a harsh word or acted uncaringly, he doesn't hesitate to seek forgiveness. A lesser man can't do this.
Two people don't keep a marriage strong because they never make mistakes; they keep a marriage strong by maintaining an attitude of humility that is quick to confess sin, put the other first, and seek forgiveness.
- AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS
Don't judge a person by his or her line of work, but do take not of the attitude with which this person approaches work. An attitude of industriousness is one of willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself. William Bennett writes: "Work ... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work is not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."
In Proverbs 31:17 the noble wife is described as someone who "sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." (Of course, industriousness is important for both men and women.) Look for someone who energetically invests his or her life in something important right now. Strive for this attitude in yourself, too.
In Proverbs 31:17 the noble wife is described as someone who "sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." (Of course, industriousness is important for both men and women.) Look for someone who energetically invests his or her life in something important right now. Strive for this attitude in yourself, too.
- AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS
An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God- an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of problems needing correction.
Here are a few important questions to ask about the person you're getting to know as well as about yourself: Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips? Does he or she nitpick at the faults of others or consistently encourage? Does this person view his or her circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness, or does he or she remain confident of God's faithfulness?
Early in his marriage, the Reverend E. V. Hill and his wife, Jane, faced financial difficulty. He had foolishly invested in a service station, and the business had failed. Money was very tight. Dr. Dobson, who heard Reverend Hill share their story at Jane's funeral, recounts it this way:
Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E. V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two.
"What meaneth thou this?" he said with characteristic humor.
"Well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight."
E. V. thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry.
"You work so hard, and we're trying," said Jane, "but it's pretty rough. I didn't have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn't want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight."
Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: "She could have said. "I've never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had out lights cut off." She could have been broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, "Somehow or another we'll get these lights on. But let's eat tonight by candlelight."
Tears come to my eyes every time I read this story. Mrs. Hill's optimism and readiness to walk through tough times with her husband exemplify the two qualities I desire in my own life and pray for most in a wife. I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness.
Here are a few important questions to ask about the person you're getting to know as well as about yourself: Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips? Does he or she nitpick at the faults of others or consistently encourage? Does this person view his or her circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness, or does he or she remain confident of God's faithfulness?
Early in his marriage, the Reverend E. V. Hill and his wife, Jane, faced financial difficulty. He had foolishly invested in a service station, and the business had failed. Money was very tight. Dr. Dobson, who heard Reverend Hill share their story at Jane's funeral, recounts it this way:
Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E. V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two.
"What meaneth thou this?" he said with characteristic humor.
"Well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight."
E. V. thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry.
"You work so hard, and we're trying," said Jane, "but it's pretty rough. I didn't have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn't want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight."
Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: "She could have said. "I've never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had out lights cut off." She could have been broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, "Somehow or another we'll get these lights on. But let's eat tonight by candlelight."
Tears come to my eyes every time I read this story. Mrs. Hill's optimism and readiness to walk through tough times with her husband exemplify the two qualities I desire in my own life and pray for most in a wife. I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness.
Isn't it great to know these things? The ways on how to know a person's character, made a mark as I've read through. This reminds me and refocus my attention about proper mind setting when you want to consider marriage in your life. It also reminds me on keeping my standards high and not keeping it low whenever one tells me so, cause he won't be worth it. Although I am single, it is very important to know these things. It also reminds me on true beauty that should be seen whenever you are considering someone. It's said in 1 Samuel 16:7 "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at," God says. "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." The person who deserves the praise is the one who "fears the Lord."
I consider very deep in details the true character of a person. And if you're ready to consider marriage in your life, have the heart to seek for a partner who is same in your faith, 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers." Meanwhile, while I have the gift of singleness, God made me realize the wonders of it - having all my time to serve Him, my family and others and to have ample time to prepare myself to become the best or should I say, the good wife for my husband-to-be.
Although I have some regrets in the past relationship that I had, but then through His grace and love for me, those experiences become channels of blessing to me and to other people. God won't put me in that situation wherein I can't learn something. When you are in trouble or have problems, it's an opportunity for you to grow and mature spiritually through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
And to all the girls, never set your standards low just to match up to their standards. We must endure patience and obedience as we wait for His perfect will. Make every day of your life an opportunity to grow, bless other people and most of all honor God. The fruits of all these labor will be so rewarding. In everything that we do, may it be all for the glory of His name.
With this, I want to give my "thank you" to the two most influential woman in my life. Thank you Ate Crista (my discipler) and Ate Macel (who have been like a mom to me) for all your advice since then.
I may not have taken it seriously then, but it's well kept deep in my heart. I would never be the woman I am now without your inputs and all the advice for me, of course with the help of God and other believers.
As I was reading through the book, the past just flashback right in front of me and I am so grateful that I have met or let's just say, God made us met and be part of my life. Of course, everyone that I have met - whether they have been good or not - still I thank the Lord for their lives, cause nothing in our life is accident.
I have just been blessed that I want to share God's faithfulness to everyone. We have our own stories of blessings to tell and this is mine.
Blessings be upon you, my brothers and sisters in Christ! Blessings!!
I consider very deep in details the true character of a person. And if you're ready to consider marriage in your life, have the heart to seek for a partner who is same in your faith, 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers." Meanwhile, while I have the gift of singleness, God made me realize the wonders of it - having all my time to serve Him, my family and others and to have ample time to prepare myself to become the best or should I say, the good wife for my husband-to-be.
Although I have some regrets in the past relationship that I had, but then through His grace and love for me, those experiences become channels of blessing to me and to other people. God won't put me in that situation wherein I can't learn something. When you are in trouble or have problems, it's an opportunity for you to grow and mature spiritually through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
And to all the girls, never set your standards low just to match up to their standards. We must endure patience and obedience as we wait for His perfect will. Make every day of your life an opportunity to grow, bless other people and most of all honor God. The fruits of all these labor will be so rewarding. In everything that we do, may it be all for the glory of His name.
With this, I want to give my "thank you" to the two most influential woman in my life. Thank you Ate Crista (my discipler) and Ate Macel (who have been like a mom to me) for all your advice since then.
I may not have taken it seriously then, but it's well kept deep in my heart. I would never be the woman I am now without your inputs and all the advice for me, of course with the help of God and other believers.
As I was reading through the book, the past just flashback right in front of me and I am so grateful that I have met or let's just say, God made us met and be part of my life. Of course, everyone that I have met - whether they have been good or not - still I thank the Lord for their lives, cause nothing in our life is accident.
I have just been blessed that I want to share God's faithfulness to everyone. We have our own stories of blessings to tell and this is mine.
Blessings be upon you, my brothers and sisters in Christ! Blessings!!
